My Bucket List

Bucket List.

Definition: Some experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime.

As the description stated, a bucket list is when someone lists out their hopes that they would want to achieve before they are oblivion to the world. It is rather cliché that we, as humans, need to list out the things we want to achieve in this lifetime but as cliché as it is, it is a necessity. It is an obligation for us to pen it down as we often get lost in the business of life, a hectic schedule that at times we are required to do rather than want to do as this is the nature of living. Thus, with that mentioned, this is mine bucket list.

I want to list out all the things that I would hope to accomplish some day. List of experiences that I know would be worth every penny that I am saving for especially when I am a frugal person. Hence, this is it:

  1. Published a book before I turn the age of 30.
  2. Go for a short overseas trip by myself.
  3. Travel to a foreign country with a group of close friends.
  4. Go backpacking with my younger brother.
  5. Start to gain some weight.
  6. Work overseas for a time.
  7. Continue studying to pursue my master’s
  8. Go skydiving.
  9. Try surfing.
  10. Go bungee jumping.
  11. Waterfall diving and canyoneering.
  12. Hike a mountain to the summit.
  13. Obstacle course.
  14. Zip line.
  15. Rock climbing.
  16. Extreme Swing.
  17. Perform live in front of an audience.
  18. Fly in the hot air balloon.
  19. Visit Venice.
  20. Attend a carnival.
  21. Try the Spartan Race.
  22. Finish the Marathon.
  23. Attend any type of festival.
  24. Abseil down a waterfall.
  25. Explore my small country – Singapore.

I do hope that I would be able to achieve the things I list out above. I will be adding things in the future and with updates on the things that I have done. I do hope that this list can be the beginning of me living life to the fullest.

Now, what are some of the things that you want to do?

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Labels

We live in a society where labels are consistently used to put people in categories so that one can easily box them up together. Not only that, but people also conform to these stereotypes that place them in those boxes so that they have a place in this society. A place that they could be comfortable, a place that they would feel a sense of belonging, a place that conforms to their ideas.

Recently, the question that I was asked the most is about my sexuality. This all boils down to the fact that I did not submit to neither of the community. People wanted to know for the sake of having a sense of idea about who I am and to put me in a box that belongs to all those concepts.

I don’t comply to the typical heterosexual male behaviours that society tends to place an idea about. Some of my attributes even contradict the fact that I am a straight male which others tend to question about even when I gave them the confirmation that I am. At times, it can get infuriating that they question who I am or try to place me in an abstract notion that they believe is right.

Labels that others try to put me on for their own understanding can be exhaustive. Trying to always prove a point wrong about yourself when you don’t need to can be damaging to your self-image and confidence. At times, I just wished to have the characteristics of a traditional heterosexual male so that they need not question. It would have been easier, it would have been better, it would have been simpler.

However, there is nothing that I could do that could make them change their perception of an ordinary straight male. As if I were to change my traits, it would be a betrayal of who I am and the journey that it took me to reach here today. Thus, all I am doing right now when they question my sexuality is to live by this quote: People are going to label you. It’s how you overcome those labels. That’s what matters. – One Tree Hill (Brooke Davis).

My Journey After Stopping Medication

It has been two months now since I last took my meds for my mental health condition. I stopped taking it abruptly as I did not want to be dependent on it and I also wanted to see how I would improve over time. My journey was a thrill ride so far that has unexpected twists and turns at each corner.

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The first thing that I struggled with was my sleeping habits and patterns as my medications helped me with it. I could not get in a comfortable sleeping position that would allow me to fall asleep. Thoughts are constantly racing in my brain with vivid details. It was not anxiety or worries but just a sense of rushing brain waves that made it difficult to settle down. At times I would not be able to sleep for a day and I have weird sleeping hours from morning till afternoon. I considered myself lucky to even have a six hours sleep at least.

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My emotional capabilities have been coping well so far. It was not as bad when I was first diagnosed. I would still experience intense sadness at times but then I will distract myself with being productive. Doing things that meant something to me like writing, reading and even working. At times I do feel restless just by being at home and going out does help me to release that feeling.

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In terms of my anxiety, it does affect me at times but I would not let it ruin my day. There will be times where I get worried because of silly little things but I know that it will be better if I got out there and strive for the day. I would consider these little things to be an obstacle that I have to overcome now.

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Overall, I would say that my journey has been blessed so far. It is definitely difficult to just go cold turkey especially with some of the conditions acting up again. However, I have been managing so far and I felt that I have been doing well. I have not felt this great in years and I do feel that the meds that I took had not given me a  variation of emotions. Now, I can feel happier comparing to the past where I don’t have any feelings. I am looking forward to the day where I can say that I have overcome my condition with great success.

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A Letter To My Future Girlfriend

Dear Future Girlfriend,

I want you to know that you don’t have to be like those girls in the magazines. It’s your heart and personality that matters to me. In the end, it’s not the physical attributes that will make us last but it’s your inner beauty that makes me blush.

I might not be the one that you desired or looking for. Even if you are with me, I hope that you would still adore. My looks and body may seem pathetic but I’ll make it work, praying that it makes me worth.

I’m fine with watching movies that you like but don’t make me watch Science-Fiction movie then we are fine. I would rather watch Romantic Comedies but I know our love is not going to be what is portrayed on screen. You can watch it together with me but don’t laugh when I tear during an emotional scene.

Just know that I am not good at dating or relationships. This is my first time being it in. I will make mistakes and I will ask for forgiveness. But I understand that you don’t accept when I am being a big jerk.

Please note that I will be awkward to those that I desired. I feel that touching you is forbidden in the code of honour. My parents taught me to never touch a lady whom I want to have a future with.

Know that I want to you to be my one and only. Hoping that we can make it till eternity. Maybe I am just an old-fashion man who wants his love to forever stand.

Love Always,
Your Future Boyfriend

My Brother Has It Too

The hardest battle I have at night,
Now he has to fight it too.
His eyes are full of fright,
Holding him to push it through.

Hating that this has happened,
The nightmare that it is.
I can’t bare that he is saddened,
Faking smiles which are not his.

His bright eyes are now gone,
No longer is he the same.
I’m always keeping an eye on,
Praying he won’t burst into flame.

Hopefully, he won’t be what I became,
How destructive it was; when I was in that state.
Knowing there is no one that I can blame,
All I could do now is to help him with that weight.

 

Blogger Recognition Award

Karen Molenaar Terrell nominated me this lovely award. Thanks for the awesome nomination! Your dedicated post for me showed how caring you are. Thank you for that post once again.

Here are the rules for this award:

  1. Explain how and why you started this blog.
  2. Offer advice to new bloggers.
  3. Nominate other bloggers for the award.

I started this blog on 13 February 2015 with the intention of posting book reviews and book related matters here. I also put some of my editorial pieces that were published on the newspaper just for personal reference. Then, I ventured out to post my writings and personal issues that were going on my life to let my readers know me better.

My advice for new bloggers is to take things slow and easy. Remember that numbers, statistics, likes, comments, and shares are not the reason you started blogging. It is how you connect with your readers and how sincere your writings are.

Here are my nominations for this amazing award:

  1. Tessa – Your strength and courage showed how strong of a fighter you are.
  2. Sestina – Your beautiful writings always inspires me to become a better writer.
  3. Lydia – Your positive attitude just brightens me up each time I read your post.

Hopefully those whom I nominated took on the award. I would like to apologise for not being able to nominate the rest of the WordPress bloggers.

None of these nominees is obligated to accept this award or do anything with it. Much Love ❤

What It Means To Turn 22

Turning 22

Just a few days ago, I officially turned 22. The day compromised of me having a normal routine. There was nothing special done that day and no celebration. It was such a typical day. In all honesty, I even forgot about my own birthday before my mother wished me. It was hilarious as that I didn’t remember it myself.

Looking back at past 22 years, I reflected upon the things that I learned which shaped me into who I am today. Be it if it is a positive or negative experience, it has helped to form my perspective now. I couldn’t be where I am today and be proud of myself without all of these.

1. Things change, friends leave and life doesn’t stop for anybody

That is the hardest reality that I could ever learn. Before that, I have always thought that the friends I made in school will be my friends in life but ultimately that is not the case.

Most friends that you make in school are your friends because you are in the same class or same after-school activities. You tolerated with them as well as they tolerated with you. There might be connection between the both of you but once you are done with school, it is difficult to maintain that friendship any longer.

You will be busy with your own things and they will be busy with their own life too. You will no longer meet with them every day and you do realised that life still moves on and you meet new people and develop new friendships. Life doesn’t stop for you and you have to have the strength to move on.

2. True friends are like gems

Friends are easy to find but true friends are like gems. I know that I mentioned above that your friends in school are not necessarily your friends in life but there are instances when you know those few friends are your gems. To determine whether your friends are true is circumstantial but ultimately you will know it yourself.

I know that I found few true friends through the situation that I was in. I had to quit school due to my mental illness and only two of my close friends back then knew about it. I mentioned for them not to tell anyone as I didn’t anyone else in school to know.

Unfortunately, they didn’t keep their promises and the entire school knew about it. The ironic thing is that those people who want to know just wanted to satisfy their curiosity. Even after finding out of my condition, there were no texts, phone calls or social media messages to show their concern. Due to that, I deleted all of my social media accounts and changed my smartphone number as I felt betrayed by my “friends”.

However, few of my friends found about it and they tracked me down. They tried to message my deleted social media and my deleted smartphone number. Ultimately, they found out my new number after digging through lots of obstacles just to express their concern about my condition. They wanted me not to feel alone as they are suffering from mental illness themselves. That actions itself showed me how blessed I am to have those few who cares rather than a bunch of fake friends.

3. Depend on myself not others 

Having mental illness taught me to depend on myself not others. While it is great to have the support system from your love ones, it is important to note that they are not always there for you when you need it as each one of them are busy leading their own life. That is a harsh reality that you need to get a grip on.

I know that it is difficult to fathom these but instead of hoping for others to save you, you need to be your own hero. I learned that the hard way by always being disappointed that no one came to the rescue when I needed it. I stand on my two feet now and learn to depend on myself through thick and thin.

I am not belittling the help and love I have gotten from my love ones. They have supported me through these tough times but ultimately I managed to go out of it by myself. I am proud to say that I learned to love myself and depend on myself now.

To greater things 

With all of that said, I am thankful of the experience that I have that shaped me into who I am today. Without all of those, I would not be able to look upon the world with the new perspective that I have. Life always needs a balance of good and bad and through all of these; it had developed me into a better version of myself.